If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. - Johnny Carson
I knew a man who gave up smoking, drinking, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself. - Johnny Carson
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. - Johnny Carson
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president. - Johnny Carson
The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars." - Johnny Carson
Who could follow Carson? Well, believe me, somebody can - and will. - Johnny Carson
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. - Johnny Carson
Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair. - Johnny Carson
Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined. - Johnny Carson
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do. - Johnny Carson
Blow in it's ear. - Johnny Carson
Just be yourself -- it's the only way it can work. - Johnny Carson
For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. - Johnny Carson
A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry - that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three-Mile Island. - Johnny Carson
In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy. - Johnny Carson